The Narcissist & Forgiveness
- Renee Mace
- Mar 20
- 5 min read
Characteristics of Narcissists
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, PhD, LCP, a clinical psychologist and renowned expert on narcissism, has provided invaluable insights into the traits commonly associated with narcissistic individuals. Here are some hallmarks:
Grandiosity
Narcissists often have an exaggerated sense of their talents, achievements, or importance. They may expect others to recognize them as superior, regardless of their actual accomplishments.
Lack of Empathy
Narcissists struggle to see things from others’ perspectives. This makes forming meaningful, reciprocal relationships difficult for them.
Need for Control
A narcissist may feel the need to control situations or relationships to maintain their sense of superiority.
Fragile Self-Esteem
Beneath their confident exterior lies a fragile self-worth that is highly sensitive to criticism or perceived slights.
Manipulative Behavior
Narcissists often use charm, lies, or emotional manipulation to achieve their goals and maintain power.
How to Spot a Narcissist
While narcissistic traits might not always be immediately apparent, certain behavioral patterns can reveal someone’s underlying tendencies:
Excessive Focus on Themselves
Narcissists often dominate conversations, steering them back to their achievements, struggles, or needs.
Disregard for Others’ Feelings
A lack of sensitivity to others’ emotions or well-being is a common red flag.
Difficulty Maintaining Relationships
Their inability to empathize or take responsibility for their actions often strains personal and professional connections.
Reaction to Criticism
Pay attention to how they handle feedback—narcissists may react with anger, denial, or even retaliation to protect their fragile ego.
To Forgive or Not Forgive
"No one should HAVE TO forgive someone for hijacking their soul."
Dr. Ramani’s work emphasizes the complexities of dealing with narcissists, especially for those caught in long-term relationships with them—be it familial, romantic, or professional. She notes that leaving such relationships is not always an option for everyone, making the process of setting boundaries crucial. She also challenges societal pressure to forgive narcissists. Dr. Ramani highlights research suggesting that forgiving repeat offenders may harm the well-being of the forgiver, particularly if the narcissist’s behavior remains unchanged. For many survivors, letting go of resentment is a more authentic and healing alternative to forced forgiveness. Ultimately, she underscores that forgiveness—or the lack thereof—is a deeply personal decision.
The pressure to forgive has led some people to feel guilty their whole lives or prematurely forgive. There is a really interesting body of literature out there that suggests that if we forgive someone who re-perpetrates, it significantly harms the well-being of the forgiver. No one should HAVE TO forgive someone for hijacking their soul.
We have all heard phrases like "forgive, you'll feel better" or "forgive, you'll free yourself." However, it is not always that simple, especially when we cannot fully leave these relationships. Some people continue to have contact with family members or stay in relationships because they have no choice. Not everyone can just walk away. It is not as straightforward as saying, "You're a narcissist, I'm leaving this relationship." That is not how it works most of the time. For instance, someone might have a toxic parent they still have to interact with, a toxic ex-partner they need to co-parent with, or a toxic marriage they choose to stay in. These individuals have been broken down to their core, made to feel like they are not enough, worthless, and unsure of their own identity. They have been left doubting reality. Is that forgivable? I'm not so sure.
The narcissist takes away one of the most fundamental human needs: safety. Their actions changed your view of yourself and NOT for the better. The emotional recovery from narcissistic relationships can be a long and arduous journey. The impact of abuse can be profound and long-lasting. Recovery is a deeply personal process and varies from person to person. Some may find healing and closure within a few years. Others may take much longer to crawl out from under the rubble of that relationship - still doubting themselves and feeling unsafe in the world before rebuilding their sense of self and emotional well-being. Does one HAVE TO forgive that? No.
Forgiveness is also a deeply personal journey. For some, it may bring peace and closure. For others, it may feel impossible, unnecessary, or inauthentic. The key is to do what makes you whole. Whether that involves forgiveness or not, it is important to stay true to your feelings and prioritize your own well-being.
Forgiveness is a personal choice:
The decision to forgive or not is deeply individual, and there is no universal “right” or “wrong” in this context.
There is no obligation to forgive:
No one should feel pressured to forgive someone who has caused significant emotional harm, as forgiveness may not always lead to healing.
Forgiving a repeat offender can harm the forgiver:
Research suggests that forgiving someone who continues harmful behavior can negatively impact the well-being of the person offering forgiveness.
Complexity of relationships:
Not everyone can simply leave toxic relationships (e.g., with parents, ex-partners, or spouses), and forgiveness does not necessarily resolve the underlying issues.
Resentment and healing:
True forgiveness involves letting go of resentment, but holding on to resentment can hinder healing. However, this does not mean forgiveness is the only path to emotional well-being.
Authenticity matters:
People should not feel forced into forgiveness if it feels inauthentic to them. Staying true to one’s feelings is important for emotional recovery.
Personal impact of harm:
Emotional and psychological harm caused by narcissistic or toxic individuals can leave lasting damage, and forgiveness may feel impossible or unnecessary for some.
Moving Forward
Recognizing narcissistic traits can empower individuals to set boundaries and protect themselves from further harm. Whether it is a toxic partner, a controlling family member, or a manipulative boss, the key lies in reclaiming one’s autonomy and focusing on self-care. Not all relationships are resolvable, and sometimes, the healthiest choice is to prioritize your own well-being over reconciliation.
Understanding narcissism is the first step towards protecting yourself and fostering healthier connections. If you are navigating a relationship with a narcissist, remember:
This content is not intended to substitute professional medical advice. For personalized guidance regarding your mental health, we encourage consulting a licensed therapist. If you do not currently have a therapist, we can assist in connecting you with one who can provide support and address your concerns. In the event of a medical emergency, thoughts of self-harm or harm to others, or any imminent danger, please call 9-1-1 or visit the nearest emergency room immediately.
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